I've never really been one to think much on the future. Sure, I plan that I'm going to work at TRF this year, and I plan to, at the very latest, move out of my parents home by this November. When it comes to really serious stuff like marriage, and what I want out of my entire existance I shy away more often then not. I'm not a cave person, I do have my wedding planned out as much as it can be for one who doesn't want to get married any time soon. I have a basic idea for my dress, my brides maids dresses, my flower girl dress, and who would be filling the roles of flower girl and Maid of honor. Everything else (Including the groom) is up for debate until one year prior to the wedding.

As I just stated the groom never has a face in the wedding in my head, I just look at the details, but lately... I've been able to see a future with Brandon and that really scares me only because it feels like I'm settling. I hate how that sounds.... Brandon is sweet funny kind charming blah blah blah blah blah, but if I were to marry him, no matter how long we wait before doing it, it would be settling for the first and only mature adult relationship I've ever had. That can't be healthy, can it?

I don't know how else to describe it. I love Brandon, I really really do, but as we near our one year aniversary of our first date I find myself having what I can only describe as a mild-relationship crisis. Much like those suffering mid-life crisises and those who feel trapped in relationships (though neither is the case) I find my libedo kicking at the passing glance from a pretty girl, or an email from an old crush. 

Now I would never cheat... that hits to close to home for me and I wouldn't want to put anyone through what I have been through on that front, but I still feel guilty for letting my mind wander and my body want other things. My heart is Brandons... that never falters or waivers... its just the rest of me that wants to go skipping about without him. Maybe this all just one big commitment issue? It wouldn't suprise me if it was... I mean I'm nineteen! What the hell am I doing thinking about marriage and a future with someone when i have the rest of my life to do such things. It seems like some parts of me are in a rush to grow up, and other parts of me want to stay young and free, no strings attached, forever and ever.

If Brandon wasen't so... possesive I would probably ask him if we could be non-exclusive. It would give me a chance to "shop around" as it were, but still be with him. Oh and let me set the record straight Brandon is not possessive to the point were I can't talk to or hang out with my guy friends. He is just enough so that when I say I'm spending the night at a male friends house all he does is make a face, and if I talk to someone who he thinks has a crush on me he makes sure I know he loves me very much. Its rather flattering that he want to protect and hold on to what he has and I'm just that.

Oh well on to other things! My grandmother is doing better and is in a rehabillitation center, and I finally got accepted to Model Mayhem.com. Its funny... I always seem to blog at night... I guess thats when my talkative and creative juices just start to flow. 

... Wow... that sounds really dirty. Strike that.

Goodnight out there, what ever you are.