So my one year aniversay with brandon is in one week, but we aren't celebrating it for another month. We're going to the beach for a couple days and I'm oh so very excited about that :) I love going to the beach and I usually only go once a year.

I'm going shopping for a new outfit to wear one of the days but it is most definately not your usually beach weekend outfit. XD My boy let slip a couple weeks ago that he has a thing for a very tasterful goth look. :) I decided that I will go out and buy this corset and the stockings below it:

http://www.fredericks.com/product.asp?catalog%5Fname=Holiday2002&category%5Fname=New-Corsets&product%5Fid=51248&cookie%5Ftest=1

Thank I'm going to go out and buy a black button up shirt thats tight around the bossom and some strapped boots and wear them with my pleated short skirt.

Sexy no? :p

Ooooooo! And I'm going to dye my hair a much darker color then I have it now. Do you think he will appriciate all of that in place of an actual gift?

This is a girl thing so before you give advice keep in mind that my hormones are going off the charts so I would normally be a tad upset about these things but its just a tad worse then I normally take them this week.

Tonabata was on monday and although I was invited to the party, I was told that I would be informed as to where and when it would be and everyone seemed to forget that I wasen't informed until today when they realized I haden't shown up.

I haven't seen Brandon since that night when my mother blew up and ruiend a romantic evening and I was supposed to see him tonight. Unfortunately the horse of our friend(who just got out of the hospital after 19 days of pure pain and misery and pain) died today so instead of getting to hang out with my love he went to console her and I couldn't afford the gas money to go and be with either one of them.

Because of the sudden passing of poor sodaboda I don't get to see Brandon for at least 7 more days because I am working for the next 7 days straight. Woohoo....

So why do I let my mother ruien what happiness I do grab on to so desperately? My mother is such a child. If she doesnt get her way she kicks and screams, and argues until you are to tired to fight it anymore and you submit. Even if it is something that she should get off her own lazy ass to do she just wont. She always always gets her way even if it is a ridiculous request like rubbing her feet (which is DISGUSTING by the way). 

If ever I refuse to be her unwilling slave she brings up how I'm an ungreatful bitch for all the places she drove me that I wanted to go (dance, opera, my highschool) things like that and therefore tries to guilt trip me into doing every little thing for her. Yes I am greatful that she was a supportive mother when it came to my passions in life but that shouldn't mean that I must forever pay my debt back to her bye makeing her her every meal, doing her ever dirty article of clothing, and comming to help her get ready in the morrnings. (Even with my help it takes her an hour to just put clothes and makeup on).

Two days ago I was in a fantastic mood and wanted my whole family to go to the movies to see Wall-e. Mother bitched and griped and complained and drug her heals the whole time we were getting ready and were going. We got there ten minutes late and had to sit in the front row because there weren't any seats left. She pretty much ruiend the movie for me and its that kind of crap that makes me not want to go to the movies with my family. I probably wont be making that mistake any time soon.

Last night my boyfriend begged me to reschedual a photoshoot I had planned because he had a surprise for me. He took me to star cinima, which is a dinner theatre, and we watched wall-e. He was trying to make the movie more enjoyable for me so I would feel a little better, and I did. We got home all happy full and comfy and my mother imidiately starts screaming at me from upstairs to do a load of laundry. So I do it, cause I'm in such a great mood she doesnt bother me at first. Then she starts screaming at me (keep in mind she never actually came down stairs or out of her room) telling that she knew I haden't done a load cause I haden't brought up any of her clothes. The load that had been in the dryer was my work uniform and some white towels... nothing of hers. I yelled that up to her and she continued to scream that I was lying and that she didn't have any clothes to wear to work. I searched through the dirty clothes I had down there and there was NOTHING of hers.

All I could do after that was cry... I was being screamed at by a person who wouldn't even get up to just talk to me, being called a lyer, treated like some kind of servant, and all in front of the man I love. Brandon comforted me as best her could, he and I even tried to have a little fun to take my mind of things.... but I kept on crying because of how kind he is in comparison to the woman who birthed me. He had put three roses in my room, in slightly not so obvious places because his plan that night was to be a real romantic and... i wish he had gotten the chance. All I could do was cry myself to sleep holding me roses. He spent the night... he was going to anyways but I'm glad he was there... 

If I had the money to move ou I would start doing so today but... I wont have that kind of money saved up until november. 

So the faire formally known as Song Wood is no more.... If you don't know what happened a couple months ago I'll get you as up to speed as I am. The faire split into two different ones. The owner of the faire name took it and a few of the "key players" to go make a different faire on another side of town because of lets just say artistic difference with the lang owners of the faire. 

But since the land owners were still having their fair on this side of town everyone in this area decided to continue to invest time and energy and prayers for the origional set up. Yesterday evening I was sent an email that said that faire was never going to happen, and that the land owners had stopped all communications. I'm rather upset. Sure a faire is still going to happen about as far away from my house as TRF just in a different direction... But still its not the one I was putting my effort into. 

Sadly though my alligence lies with the highest bidder, their is still a new faire opening up. So they are the highest bidder.

I've never really been one to think much on the future. Sure, I plan that I'm going to work at TRF this year, and I plan to, at the very latest, move out of my parents home by this November. When it comes to really serious stuff like marriage, and what I want out of my entire existance I shy away more often then not. I'm not a cave person, I do have my wedding planned out as much as it can be for one who doesn't want to get married any time soon. I have a basic idea for my dress, my brides maids dresses, my flower girl dress, and who would be filling the roles of flower girl and Maid of honor. Everything else (Including the groom) is up for debate until one year prior to the wedding.

As I just stated the groom never has a face in the wedding in my head, I just look at the details, but lately... I've been able to see a future with Brandon and that really scares me only because it feels like I'm settling. I hate how that sounds.... Brandon is sweet funny kind charming blah blah blah blah blah, but if I were to marry him, no matter how long we wait before doing it, it would be settling for the first and only mature adult relationship I've ever had. That can't be healthy, can it?

I don't know how else to describe it. I love Brandon, I really really do, but as we near our one year aniversary of our first date I find myself having what I can only describe as a mild-relationship crisis. Much like those suffering mid-life crisises and those who feel trapped in relationships (though neither is the case) I find my libedo kicking at the passing glance from a pretty girl, or an email from an old crush. 

Now I would never cheat... that hits to close to home for me and I wouldn't want to put anyone through what I have been through on that front, but I still feel guilty for letting my mind wander and my body want other things. My heart is Brandons... that never falters or waivers... its just the rest of me that wants to go skipping about without him. Maybe this all just one big commitment issue? It wouldn't suprise me if it was... I mean I'm nineteen! What the hell am I doing thinking about marriage and a future with someone when i have the rest of my life to do such things. It seems like some parts of me are in a rush to grow up, and other parts of me want to stay young and free, no strings attached, forever and ever.

If Brandon wasen't so... possesive I would probably ask him if we could be non-exclusive. It would give me a chance to "shop around" as it were, but still be with him. Oh and let me set the record straight Brandon is not possessive to the point were I can't talk to or hang out with my guy friends. He is just enough so that when I say I'm spending the night at a male friends house all he does is make a face, and if I talk to someone who he thinks has a crush on me he makes sure I know he loves me very much. Its rather flattering that he want to protect and hold on to what he has and I'm just that.

Oh well on to other things! My grandmother is doing better and is in a rehabillitation center, and I finally got accepted to Model Mayhem.com. Its funny... I always seem to blog at night... I guess thats when my talkative and creative juices just start to flow. 

... Wow... that sounds really dirty. Strike that.

Goodnight out there, what ever you are.